| (no subject) |
[Jul. 11th, 2007|01:07 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
oh and Liz lost 13 lb while I've gained 5...kill me now |
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| I'll never break free |
[Jul. 11th, 2007|01:05 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | confused | ] |
No music tonight cause colin is asleep. I can't get to bed.
So I saw pics of Ray's commissioning and such. I don't know why but I got a bit jealous and upset yet again. It's like high school all over again. I don't know why I even checked. Then again I was always one to pick at scabs. I mean it would make sense if I was any sort of unhappy, but I'm not. I have Dani California (my yorkie) and Colin. Going to bed with both of them every night keeps me sane. Well for the most part...right until the snoring starts...and I love my dog but its too hot to cuddle with a warm ball of fur. Actually COlin is currently spread out across the bed and I'm relegated to the corner typing away on my laptop. What is it about Ray that kills me a little everytime I start to think about him. It bring back all the bad memories and negative feelings...I always thought memories were suppose to be sweet. Even if something bad happened time is suppose to soften it so it doesn't hurt anymore. I guess I just read to many books....or it was severe wishful thinking. I can only say that...I will persevere...just because I've had a minor lapse in my getting over ray (he looks incredible in uniform) doesn't mean I'm unhappy. Does it sound like I'm trying to convince myself? I think it does...grrr. I'm going to put this away, rollover, and cuddle...that makes everything feel better...
the closest thing to perfect,
but the farthest thing from me... |
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| ramblings |
[May. 19th, 2007|05:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  numb | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Dolphins Cry - Live | ] |
I'm incredibly bored. I should be writing a paper...then again I should be doing tons of things. I don't think Colin approves of the fact that I believe Pete. But for better or for worse I do...so I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I guess we'll put that in the same category Tatiana is in. Lucky for me she's in Australia and no longer have to hear her spoken of.
I don't know what to do tonight. I'm tired and bored but I don't know if I want to go out. I stopped by Michael's last night, but just to drop colin off. In all honesty I was dead tired. Other than wanting to watch the game, nothing was keeping me awake...well maybe the huge redbull and massive amounts of pixie stix. I love those things. I ate another half a bag yesterday. I haven't been feeling too well. But I guess thats to be expected. I think maybe I'll shower and then take a nap.
Should I be concerned thaht Pete is not online and doesn't have his phone on? Well even if I shouldn't be, I am. My head hurts...and my eyes too. I need to nap. Either way I'm going to go do something. I'm out. |
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| from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time... |
[May. 7th, 2007|11:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  grumpy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Insensitive-Jane Arden | ] |
blah. It's two days that I've played aroud with my diet. I probably gained all the weight I lost. Well, its only a few steps back. I can come back. It'll just take longer than it should have. It hurts my soul a little...
We (Colin and I) had dinner with Janna and Eric. It was fun as always. I'm not hearling anything too good coming from the cheering way. Its not the same squad we use to be so proud of. Well what can you do.
I'm in an icky mood.
I went tanning today. Other than that nothing too special.
Yeah thats it. I'm going to do some homework and try to get some sleep before work tomorrow. At least I get to work with Pete tomorrow morning. |
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| I love all of you... |
[May. 2nd, 2007|12:49 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | My Friends-Red Hot Chili Peppers | ] |
Tonight is the official start of my healthier eating/exercising thing. I'm a bit disappointed in myself tho. It seems I can read a diet book, but not my hw. Oh well. I'll catch up later.
I don't know if I covered Pete passing out at the bar. But after reading about it, it seems that the pinneapple juice caused his body to absorb the sugar he had, which in turn made his blood sugar go wicked low thereby causing him to faint. So really no matter what he says it's my fault. I gave him the drink. I won't get into that or I'll get yelled at. Anyway, I should have known all that before, but a semester of school and unhealthy eating made me forget everything I had learned about sugar, carbs, fat, and fiber. Pete has to eat better and so do I. Colin too for that matter. I keep forgetting that his dad died fairly young of a heart attack...I would never forgive Colin...or me for that matter if something bad happened to him. So everyone I care about it going to have to take better care of themselves. Mainly cause I don't want to end up alone. (I'm selfish like that)
I have tons I'm suppose to be doing. Which means tomorrow morning I have to get up early, make breakfast and start my day. I refuse to fall behind. I *WILL* get everything done by the end of the day. And somehow fit working out and eating into it. It can be done. I just have to get through breakfast. I don't even know what I'm going to have...but I'm sure I'll think of something.
Not going to lie, I'm wicked concerned about Pete. I'm a bit glad he passed out. Now he's obligated to find out whats wrong and fix it. Especially since he scared so many of us. Again, I'm mainly concerned about how he scared me. Drunk or not I did realize the distinct possibility that he could go into a coma. I would never have forgiven myself for that.
So Pete, I love you.. You are one of three of my best friends (only matt and colin are in that group. colin because he has to be, and well you know about matt) So you getting hurt would be like me getting hurt. Worse even cause really I care about you people more than I care about myself. So I'm done saying anything about it...but I'm not done worrying. I will worry until there is a very very good reason for me not to. Maybe a doctors note or something.
Otherwise my grandmother is in the hospital. I'm not to sure whats wrong, something was lost in the translation, but its a surgery that was planned a few days ago. From what my mom told me, it isn't very serious. My dad on the other hand made it sound very serious. I'm more inclined to believe my mom on these type of things. Being the nurse she is a bit more reliable...at least she's not too emotionally connected. (Theres no loved lost in that relationship) I was suppose to get a call earlier today...but I guess I'll have to wait til tomorrow morning. I'll feel terrible for not having called or anything if I found out something went wrong.
My grandmother raised me when I was younger. My dad was still going to school at that time, and my mom was working nights and sleeping days. My grandmother took me everywhere with her, and even when I was very very young and I left for Peru for over half a year, I recognized her when we got back. I didn't even recognize my own dad. (it kinda broke his heart) We use to return empty bottles, and she'd give me the money to spend on whatever I wanted. We must of looked funny carrying all those bottles, but I felt wicked accomplished after. She taught me how to speak spanish. She believed I was the smartest person in the world, and put everything I did up in her room. She taught me to knit and crochet. She made me all the food I liked even when it wasn't what everyone else was going to be eating. She spoiled the crap out of me and would get angry at my dad if he yelled at me (even if I had actually done something wrong) When I got scared at night I could always sleep with her, and when I woke up in the morning I would go to her room and say the rosary with her (whenever I think about it I only say it in spanish) She took me to church with her, and even though I didn't really believe, especially when I started to get older, I did it cause it made her happy. When we moved from New York, she stayed behind. Pennsylvania was too quiet for her. It wasn't as easy for her to get around. It broke both our hearts..but you know how it is. You get older and start to not appreciate your family. I would forget to call her, or decide not to go with my family when they went to visit her. But no matter what, she would call for my birthday and all major holidays. She would send me tiny presents and cards. She once sent me a card for "her great grand daughter" because she still didn't know too much english so she read that literally. I still have that card. Even now...she's been starting to forget things. Not remembering my dad, or forgetting where she is...but no matter what when she hears my voice or sees me, she knows who I am. I am her kitten, and I miss her terribly. I should go visit her soon. I just made myself terribly sad. On that note I will go to bed and call home when I get up tomorrow morning. |
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| success |
[Apr. 25th, 2007|07:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Push-Matchbox Twenty | ] |
Paper was completed...although there were a few minor errors that I caught just as I was handing it in. Anyway, I thought it sounded good so hopefully I'll get a decent grade. HW for my other class was completed as well so I think in general for today I did pretty well for myself. I'm wicked tired and laundry still needs to get done. If I can just keep on track with this burst of motivation I'll be able to make it for next year. Thats all I need. If I can make it I know I can pass. If I pass I know I can graduate. It's just a matter of staying motivated.
I think I can I think I can...
Nothing special happened between yesterday and today. Just paper writing and class. I'm going to sign the lease for next year pretty soon. This should be fun. I'll be committed to being on my own for another year. Its giving me a sense of being all grown up. I think maybe I like it. I guess I'll see how it goes. Like I said if I can make it through this part I'll be golden.
I can almost reach the light at the end of the tunnel. I wonder how the sun will treat me? |
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| Beauty in the breakdown |
[Apr. 24th, 2007|09:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  restless | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Let Go- Frou Frou | ] |
Let's see...the paper is going fairly successfully. I needed a break from all this genius pouring out of me. Basically I'm doing an 11th hour procrastination. If I procrastinate any later I'll be done and then what would be the use.
I completely cleaned my room, started the laundry, e-mailed everyone I had to, started my financial aid stuff, finished my reading for tomorrow, and researched some scholarships. I feel accomplished...other than the fact that my paper isn't done. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not really ADD. Liz has accused me of it. I guess she would know.
Speaking of, I had to explain to Colin why I stopped wearing the trinity ring. I guess I didn't have to explain but I couldn't think of any other plausible excuse. Funny how I couldn''t think of the simplest lie when I can weave a complex set of them in a heartbeat. Anyway, I told him there was no point since it defeats the purpose of a trinity if there is only one. He gave me the most pitying look. I almost slammed the door in his face. That was something I didn't want, but I guess disillusionment inspires pity. At least it was short lived. My boyfriend is a little blind when it comes to that type of thing. Or maybe respectful of my privacy. I'm not sure which yet. He is an enigma wrapped in a mystery.
He finally got mad at me. Two days in a row. Understandably too. But only one was truly my fault. I didn't want to go see his mom even though we had promised to go. He really does care about his mom...considering she is his only parent I could see why. I think he's to hard on his sister. She still acts so young, but at 21 there isn't too much you can expect. His nephew is adorable. Its so cute seeing them play together. Colin is so huge compared to Paul, but they get along so well. They played for hours. Honestly I was tired just watching them. I was ready to be put down for a nap when they put Paul to bed. Actually I did nap on the way back which was a little after they got him to sleep. He sleeps and snores like Colin. ANyway, I don't have the energy to play with children like that. I thought I was great with kids, but even though he complains, Colin is much more capable than I of holding their attention.
I stopped at Best Buy to check on Pete. Didn't seem like too much was going on there. At Best Buy I mean. I applied to American Eagle. I would totally benefit from the discount even if I only worked weekends. In the time it took me to walk to the register I managed to find things to buy. It looked cute on me so I forgave myself. I don't want to know how much money I'm spending. I need to keep to budget. I do terribly when I have days off. The solution will have to be to work everyday...
Come to decide that the things that I tried where in my life just to get high on
I wonder...
train of thought interrupted by a phone call from my mom. I guess I'll never remember what I was wondering about.
My parents are concerned about me. Makes sense I haven't done too much to inspire confidence. I don't know why I don't feel close to them. After they tried so hard. I guess I read too much when I was younger. I wanted to be the romantic loner. I wonder what I thought was the glory in that. Probably poetically beautiful suffering. My poor mom and dad, they give me everything
when you coming home
I don't know when
but we'll get together then
I know we'll have a good time then
Ooohh. I basically told Ray, in no uncertain terms, that I didn't want to talk to him. I was inordinately mean...but I was so tired of getting the random I love you msg. I know its an understandable feeling. After all we had been dating for 5 years or so. But I thought there was something hypocritical about it. Maybe I was reading too much into it, but I only got msgs when bad things where going on in his love life. As much as I wanted to be a shoulder to cry on, we went through too much for me to be able to deal with his problems with Alliegh. (btw a nickname should be significantly shorter than a given name) I can't believe I can be so scarred from just one boy...I guess it goes a bit deeper than that, but a lot further than I want to explore here. A good part of me died in that relationship and its still an incredibly touchy subject with me.
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
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| heal thyself... |
[Apr. 24th, 2007|10:23 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  pensive | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Don't Fear The Reaper- Blue Oyster Cult | ] |
Oh my friends are amazing. But that isn't really what this is about.
So I realized that I can give advice, but I definitely fail at following it myself. My secrets are my own, my emotions stay in my mind. I trust no one, but tell anyone everything.
so to give myself advice: physician heal thyself
Otherwise I have a paper to write...and random errands to run. Best Buy to go to an such.
So yeah... |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2007|05:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | pensive | ] |
I've been having the weirdest dreams lately. Generally they've involved best buy people. As much as I love Towns I think I shouldn't have him making cameo's in my dreams. Oh well. So yeah one credit card all paid. Which means of course that it will get cancelled. I'm down to two, which will be paid off soon I hope.
I get to go to Ihop tomorrow morning :) After meetig with my dean of course. It will be seeing the dean, stopping at the library, and maybe visiting some MHC ppl (depending of course on how social I feel). I'll either be going back or going to Umass. Either way I think I'm kinda excited. I need to be around people...true I'm no longer going to know these people. My class is graduating soon.
Liz is going back next semester too. I had a bad time the other night. I was watching the Simpson's and it was an episode about Lisa. Basically she was upset about not having any friends. Considering I miss my MHC friends terribly it didn't really help my mood. Anyway, I threw away the trinity knot ring. When I thought about it, I was the only one who wore it. I was the only one who made an effort to keep us all together. I guess I thought it wasn't worth my time anymore. If I get to see them then great. If I don't I still have all the amazing memories and pics and stories. After being wicked upset and pitying myself for a few hours I realized I do have a lot of good people in my life. So I'm no longer sad or anything...just...tired. And stressed about the future. But such is life. |
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| yikes |
[Apr. 12th, 2007|08:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | musicless :( | ] |
dear god...for me to graduate on time I have to take 24 credits (18 umass credits) That gives me no time whatsoever...I don't know if I want to. I don't think I'd be able to work...actually I probably could, but only for three days or so. I don't know its giving me a headache. I think maybe I should tell my parents to hold off on getting a house until after I graduate. I don't know if I want to stay here...or whether I'll even have the option to after getting out of MHC. It would be pointless then if I don't want to stay around here. ah...too much thought...not enough time. Oh well. Its time for homework. |
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